An Apology To My Preemie

We will stand in awe of the joy you pour into everyone you meet; your constant grin a testament to the endurance of babies. I wish I had half of your resilience, but my happiness is tempered with guilt. So much guilt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry my body failed you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep you safe. Protecting my children is a most fundamental desire—but we had to keep me healthy so that I could be there to see you grow up. You were comfortable in your cozy uterine…

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What You Need to Know About Lactation Donation

Rowan was born just under the concern-threshold for both age and weight for many complications of prematurity. The cut off for many issues is 32 weeks and/or 1500 grams. Rowan was 31 weeks 5 days, and 1446 grams. Not that issues don’t happen after that line, just they had to draw a line somewhere. And obviously younger, smaller babies are more likely to have these complications. Aside from brain bleeds, Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC) is one of the biggest complications seen in premature infants. It’s the one that makes providers sweat….

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Premature Anxiety: Out Too Soon

I can be annoyingly productive in the first few weeks of spring, as months of hibernation turn into an overwhelming need to do all the things. One of the first ways I know spring has truly arrived is when my mental gears start turning to plan my daughter’s birthday party. Last year, for her fifth birthday, she chose Honey I Shrunk the Kids as a theme, which I took as a testament to my amazing parenting. Obviously. I Pinterested the shit out of that party and waddled my way around…

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Life After the NICU

It really did happen. I have to remind myself sometimes that it was not just a story I heard—not a story that happened to somebody else. I really did start bleeding at 29 weeks pregnant. The words, “placental abruption” and “in case we have to deliver,” and my shaking sobs are forever etched into my memory. I remember how it felt to have everything be suddenly out of my control. I thought when I went home four days later—still pregnant—that the worst was over. Two days after that, I was…

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