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The Diaper Continuum: From Clean to Why Did I Reproduce?

After three babies, I’ve seen it all. And by all, I mean that there’s a continuum that new moms don’t know about as they head into the unchartered territory that is diaper changes.

Clean – Baby might have just farted. Nothing to see here.

Just wet – This one is a small pee. Not too smelly, and as far as the spectrum of diapers goes, this is just under a “clean” diaper.

Mega pee – This one will have an ammonia “flavor.” I say “flavor” instead of smell because you will actually be able to taste it.

Shart – This started out as a fart but it went horribly wrong. Not a big deal on the clean-up side—but you’re going to want to watch out. It may be one of the seven signs of the poo-calypse (see number 8).

Play dough – The poo will be in once piece and resemble a chunk of brown play dough. This one is also not too bad to clean-up as, like play dough, it doesn’t stick to skin. Usually the smell isn’t too bad as the poo is compact.

Marbles – Similar to number 5, but these small pearls are not the kind you want to string around your neck. Fairly easy to clean up, but like the spaghetti song, watch as they may “roll off of the table and onto the floor…and right out the door.”

Pee-soup – Yes. I spelled that right. This is a mix of runny poop and pee that is the shade and consistency of your great-aunt’s pea soup. It may contain some unexpected chunks of different colors. Warning: most people would prefer to crawl into a skunk den with an air horn than change one of these. If you are among those brave enough to do it, the mixture of pee and poo makes it pretty easy to wipe off because it’s fairly liquid.

Poop-mageddon (aka the poo-pocalypse) – A mere diaper will not be able to contain the torrents of shit that projectile out of your sweet little baby. Even the strongest pair of pants will leak with the poop-mageddon. This may be related to some sort of illness in your child – but occasionally you just get a build-up or something doesn’t agree with baby. Despite the maternal or paternal bond, you may briefly consider either heading for the hills or committing Harakiri. Persevere. Feign complete ignorance to the sight and the smell – and hand the child off to his or her other unsuspecting parent before you do.

And if you think that’s bad…wait until you get to potty training. Because you get all of the magic above WITHOUT easy remove strips and (mostly) immobile child.

This post was originally published on Live By Surprise.

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