If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in this life time, it is that life sometimes cannot be planned, yet it’s still one of the hardest things in life to do, not plan.
I really shouldn’t be surprised. After all, I saw my father pass away from a massive heart attack when I was only five-and-a-half years old. If THAT didn’t teach me that life was unpredictable, then nothing would.
And we all know it. A watched pot never boils, and you don’t meet the opposite sex when all you’re doing is trying to. There are grooves and waves of the universe’s plan, and as much as it IS necessary to have goals, it’s also completely needed to be open to the “non-plan”, the unexpected.
When I was pregnant, my only birth plan was to be open to anything. Well, thank god that was my plan, because having my son with no warning sign two months early sent any “plan” or idea straight out the window. Next to my father passing, it was the biggest life lesson for me to date, but I still find myself at times falling back into the habit of planning too much. You’d think I’d have learned by now, no?
So, how do we do it? How do we fully surrender to the bigger picture? How do we accept that a lot of this life is not in our control?
We “try” to, we hope. No matter how many times I make a plan, and then plan to not plan, in the back of my mind, the main force that drives it all and makes me feel “OK” no matter what the outcome is, is hope.
I’ll be honest, I’m getting older. Because of my age, and the fact that it only gets harder to have children the older a woman gets, I eventually sought out fertility help to get pregnant with my first child, my son. People keep telling me it may be easier to get pregnant after having one child the next time around, but I can’t help but already fear the future’s unknown path, that hasn’t even begun. It’s been on my mind a lot lately actually, trying to plan, to not plan.
When I first had Parker, my son, I was in no way shape or form thinking about the next baby. But, as he gets older, and I do too, I can’t help but not. And, I’m doing it again. I make a plan in my head, and the next day I’ve completely changed my mind!? It’s maddening at times, and at others completely mind-opening. The one true pattern I am finding, is that when I try to think of a path to make my family larger, I’m immediately set back and straightened out in my head, that it is something I truly cannot plan, mostly…
That’s not all true, I can go back to the fertility clinic. I can shoot myself up with baby making hormones and “hope” like I did last time. But, I’m also trying to not make a plan about “when” that will be. I find myself saying “if I’m not pregnant by this time, I’ll go to the clinic”…or “but if we got pregnant this month I’d have the baby this time of year”…etc etc….It truly hurts my soul. It’s definitely no way to live, especially to someone who soars when her spirit is free.
Let’s be real though people, I’m only human. It’d be weird if i didn’t think about getting pregnant again, knowing that I wanted more then one child…and I’m not exactly 25.
It’s also quite normal to be nervous, given the birth of my first son, a very unexpected two months early. It’s no wonder that I’m scared out of my mind for what’s to come!! It’s also VERY normal to think about my age, and to have that daily awareness of the ticking biological clock also known as my egg supply…it could make anyone crazy.
So how do we do it folks? How do we accept life as waves of the ocean sometimes suffocating and drowning us, while at other times lifting us up and making us feel weightless on top of the world? We plan to not plan. We make goals, but we truly, truly, truly, take one day at a time.
I am also a firm believer that when something is absolutely certain, we don’t feel as insecure then at other times, we just know. I’m hoping if I get to that point with needing to make medical decisions about my future family planning, that I’ll know again. I truly did last time, and I definitely do NOT know yet. All I do know is that with a premature eight-month-old at home and working nights with sleep a thing of the past, I live every single day one day at a time, and focus on the NOW.
My thoughts I’m sure will linger, as they are my soul seeking answers within myself. But, I do think the universe will be on my side, and like EVERYTHING else in life, I’ll get to my clarity when it’s the right time, and until I do, it’s all part of the journey, may as well enjoy it !!
What keeps you up at night? What kinds of things out of your control do you find yourself worrying about? How do you cope with the bigger picture?
“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.”
This post originally appeared on Lindsay Klein Rocks. It has been reprinted with permission.
Image Credit: Tamara Camera Photography.
Lindsay Klein is a full-time radio DJ, a part-time yoga instructor and now a full-time mother to her first son. She writes about motherhood, what it’s like to have a preemie, shares recipes and is always trying to inspire and motivate her readers to rock their entire lives. You can find her at Lindsay Klein Rocks, on Facebook or on Twitter.