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11 Thoughts While Having a Transvaginal Ultrasound

As a woman of a certain age, I’ve had enough doctors, nurses, technicians, interns, and members of the general public up in my hoo-ha that if I lined them all up, we could fill out a parade.

With two miscarriages, three children and a round of fertility treatments under my belt, I’ve had more ultrasounds than I can count on all my fingers and toes. You’d think after that many procedures, I’d get used to it – but the invasiveness of the procedure still throws me off. So, a couple of weeks ago, to keep myself amused, I kept track of the thoughts that were going through my head…

  1. (In the change room): Why do they call this a gown anyway? Why not put you in assless chaps? They’re much more comfortable and at least you know what’s showing.
  2. (Technician dims lights): Wow…mood lighting. Now all we need is some rose petals on the bed, candle light and Michael Buble.
  3. (Technician gets you in place on table and offers you “sheet”): Phew. I feel much less exposed now.
  4. (After technician wraps wand): Well…at least she’s using protection.
  5. Ummm…couldn’t we shake hands or hug first or something?
  6. You know, usually I’m at least offered dinner first.
  7. Thanks for the lube…I somehow wasn’t producing any of my own.
  8. (Technician says to “shout” if it gets uncomfortable): Grit teeth and resist urge to shout.
  9. Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up. Are there a lot of cob webs up in there?
  10. How come they never decorate the ceiling in these places? Cause I don’t really want to look you in the eye right now.
  11. You’d probably get more repeat customers if you combined the wand with a rabbit. Might also save you some funds as far as lube goes…

Wait…it’s over? OK…I’ll just grab my dignity on my way out. Ahhh, good. Right where I parked it – at the door.

This post originally appeared on Sammiches and Psych Meds. It has been reprinted with permission.

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