I have been asked, many times, if I was about to get my period by well-meaning men. I think the men who ask this kind of question just have not been schooled. So, as a giver of gifts and a saver of relationships, I thought I would lay it out in an easy-to-read format. These are the rules boys. Live by them and no one gets hurt.
Is it appropriate to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when my wife/girlfriend disagrees with me?
This is tricky. If she is disagreeing with you because you are wrong then it is NOT appropriate. If she is disagreeing with you because you are being an asshole, it is NOT appropriate to ask. But, if she is disagreeing with you for any other reason, it is also NOT appropriate to ask.
Is it appropriate to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when my wife/girlfriend is crying?
Wow. Another good question. I would, first, examine all the facts at your disposal. Check the surroundings. Could she have stubbed a toe? Were you, again, being an ass? Did she just get off the phone with her mother? Once you have all the facts, the answer should be readily apparent. The answer is… it is NOT appropriate to ask at this time.
Is it appropriate to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when my wife/girlfriend yells at me?
This one isn’t tricky at all. The answer is NO. It is not appropriate to ask her if she is about to get her period if she is yelling at you. Likely, you were being an ass again and you should apologize before it gets out of hand.
Is it appropriate to ask my wife/girlfriend, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when you are interested in sex and she just said no and you are afraid you are going to miss the window?
In my experience, asking at this time rarely gets a girl to change her mind from, “Not tonight, hun,” to “You are right. We should get on that so we don’t miss the window.” Your wife/girlfriend may be different. No. No, she is not different. This approach will not work on any woman.
Is it appropriate to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when my wife/girlfriend complains about her stomach or her head or any other random chick ailment?
It would seem as if asking at a time when your wife/girlfriend is in distress would be a nice. On the surface, it seems an, “I totally am in tune with you, babe,” thing to do. You would be wrong. Try asking what you can do to make it better. A back massage. A glass bottle of wine. Or, a full day of alone time are all good choices. Remember, do NOT ask her if she is about to get her period. It will not end well.
Is it appropriate to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” of my wife/girlfriend if I am a doctor?
If you are a doctor and you are considering asking her that question, you are clearly a doctor of English Lit or something else scholarly. Doctors know the standard line, ‘When was the last time you got your period?’ They know how to figure it out from there. Oh, and if you are considering using this doctor line the next time your wife/girlfriend is yelling at you, you clearly got your doctorate in Stupid.
Is it appropriate to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when we are trying to make a baby?
You are back to the good questions. It would seem that asking about periods when she is trying to avoid them would be a thoughtful, supportive thing to do. You would be wrong. Remember, if she gets her period she is going to be sad*.
*She may not be sad at that moment as she will know that having your child would be adding more asshole to the world. She might be violently thankful. Feel free to take your chances and report back after the divorce.
My wife/girlfriend is pregnant and I think it would be funny to ask, “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when she is grumpy. Is that appropriate?
It is not funny. She will not laugh. What she might find funny is the amount of time you will have to endure the couch, the silent treatment, and the penalty box**.
**That is a sports metaphor for my US friends who don’t understand hockey. The penalty box is the place you ‘serve time’ while the play goes on without you because you were bad. Or, a euphemism in this case, for being thrown out before you make it home which got you into this pregnant mess in the first place.
Is it appropriate to ask “Are You About To Get Your Period?” when my daughter is a teenager and she is unnecessarily bitchy?
First, there is never ‘unnecessarily bitchy,’ to a teenage girl. But, you could try asking her. Just put it on video for us all to learn from, please.
To sum up…it is NEVER appropriate to ask a woman if she is about to get her period. I guess I could have said that from the start, but what fun is that? Period.
This post originally appeared on Mum Revised. It has been reprinted with permission.
Kristine Laco likes coffee, sleep, reality TV, Netflix and having a cleaning lady. She’s pretty sure my “buy 10, get one free” card for the hospital is full. She writes for BluntMoms, MockMom and Scary Mommy, and has been included in several anthologies, the Inside Voice podcast. She’s currently working on a fiction novel. Her biggest accomplishment is successfully keeping two children and a dog alive in Toronto for many years. Kristine thinks that parenting teens requires a special kind of crazy and she’s just the girl for the job. You can find her at Mum Revised.