Just today, my presence must have been requested at least seven shiit….ake sessions.
Seriously, if I have to smell any more dead roses or wipe any more peanut butter (uh-huh) off anyone’s bottom, I may just lose my own shiitake; and it will be so bad, nobody will want to come near me.
Okay, I concede.
Maybe that statement there was a bit overkill, but the honest truth from this always tired mother of three is that I cannot for the life of me literally stand by while my children poop anymore.
And, why in the world do they want me in there? That is what I don’t freakin’ understand. Most people like privacy when they are using the commode, but my three, they prefer an audience. And no, not just your regular ol’ run of the mill onlooker, they want me to be a participatory observer and admirer. WTF. I seriously am flabbergasted as I type this because I just don’t get it.
I guess part of the reason our children beckon us to follow them to their throne is that they merely enjoy our company and don’t want to be alone. Since I’m not a heartless witch and I can and do understand that, I always have upon their request followed them to the potty, no questions asked. Well, sometimes I ask questions.
In thinking about it, this is all probably my fault anyway. When my kids were little and began to potty train, I would, of course, be in there with them encouraging them to ‘do their thang.’ Mommy the Rapper would occasionally make an appearance in the restroom. Here’s a little taste (probably the wrong word to use for this topic) of what she would bring to the kiddos while they went to poo-poo or pee-pee town.
Mommy the rapper is back for you,
To help encourage you to do your poo.
She’s here to flow,
And watch you go.
Awwww…Here it comes:
Pee-pee in the potty all day long,
Pee-pee in the potty while Mommy sings her song.
Poo-poo in the potty all day long,
Poo-poo in the potty while Mommy sings her song.
See, I (ahem, Mommy the Rapper) make bathroom time fun.
THAT WAS MY BIG MISTAKE.
Ain’t nothing fun about being in a bathroom, unless you are actually in a bath inside of a room. Baths—those are fun, and relaxing, too. But, being forced by my children to accompany them on every single bathroom trip they make, well, that’s a load of crap.
This post originally appeared on jthreeNMe. It has been reprinted with permission.
Nicole Merritt is a mother of three and the Owner and Founder of jthreeNMe, a raw, honest, empowering, inspiring, and entertaining; it’s like chicken soup for those that are exhausted, over-stressed and under-inebriated, yet still utterly happy. Nicole’s work has been featured by Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, BLUNTmoms, Thought Catalog, Everyday Family, Motherly & many others. You can follow Nicole at jthreeNMe and on Facebook and Twitter!