Peeing with an Audience and Other Things I Didn’t Expect

This picture embodies motherhood.

We joke all the time about never getting to pee alone, but it’s not a joke. And if you think this is TMI, sorry but motherhood is bustling with TMI. You basically lose all humility right there on the delivery room table, with a million hands in and around your vagina.

Our bodies and lives don’t belong to us anymore. We commiserate with our friends about lack of sleep, picky eaters and milestones. We go into depth about what their poop looks like if they are sick and how many times they spit up right down our cleavage because of reflux. A closed door means nothing to our kids. They’ll open that shit right up if they want in and if you lock it they’ll just bang on it like rabid little animals.

These little humans love us so much that they will literally cuddle up to our lap as our naked asses hang in the toilet. They see us walking around naked with our postpartum boobs, and pass no judgment. They love us unconditionally and just want to be with us…even if we just want to pee alone. It can be annoying AF, but there’s also something pretty spectacular about it. I bitch about it regularly, make memes about it, even. But the reality is that one day, I know I’ll miss them being so far up my ass.

With two kids who are eight years apart, I already see my future. My firstborn is 10 going on 21 and teeters back and forth from eye rolls to cuddling up in my lap. And if I’m being honest, when she’d rather hang with her friends and play on her phone, I miss her. I don’t think you see that clearly as a first-time mom. But now, with the path laid out before me, I know exactly what’s coming with her little sister. And I know that peeing with an audience is one of those fleeting moments.

So…I’ll allow it because I know I’m going to blink and she’ll be making me drop her off down the block from a destination so her friends don’t see me.

Rachel Sobel is the heart and mind behind WHINE AND CHEEZ-ITS — is a Florida native (via Long Island like the rest of em). Living the NEW normal: Marriage, Baby, Divorce, Remarriage, another baby. In between navigating massive loads of laundry, cooking 32 different meals for picky eaters, doing ponytails over until they are perfect with “NO BUMPS, MOM!” and double fisting iced coffee, she finds time to write all of it down. She’s pretty Type A but admits that you are more likely to find baby wipes and a half-eaten bag of Cheez-its in her purse than cash. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter.

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