I just don’t even know why I try anymore. All I hope for is a day that I’m the important one. A day that my children want to actually BE with me. A day where they get along—and so do my husband and I. A day that makes my heart beat and my butterflies flutter. Just one day out of an entire year to feel like I’m the most important person in the world.
Some moms prefer to have the day alone. Other moms prefer to go to the bathroom in peace. This mom? I want to celebrate with my family. I want my boys to love being with me. I don’t want to have to fight them to get off devices so that they are present with me. I don’t want to have to ask 30 times for them to hurry up so we can get somewhere. I don’t want to have to BEG for their attention. All it does is ruin everything that is supposed to be important about this day.
I’m so sad today. I rushed home from a trip and even made special plans only to return home to a disastrous house and a disastrous Mother’s Day. I wake up with hopes of having the most special day ever only to go to lunch at one place with a forty minute wait. Then at another place a thirty-five-minute wait. Only to sit down and hear my kids don’t like the forty dollar a plate brunch we finally settle on.
This is seriously the most important day of the year to me. I don’t care one second about my birthday (except this year when I turn forty). I don’t care about anything tangible. All I dream of is a beautiful day with my family. So why is that so hard to achieve? It really isn’t that hard, people. It’s just not. I’m not asking for a new car or a high dollar day at the spa. All I’m asking for is a day to want to be with and around me. A day of kindness. A day of being happy to do the things I want to do instead of fighting them.
I dunno. I wanted to go to want of those ceramic painting places. I thought it would be fun to start a new family tradition. DENIED by all of them. Actually, they whined long enough that I just said to hell with it. Now my husband is snoring on the couch, one son is on the PS4 and the other son won’t leave me alone because he wants my iPad. Seriously. What gives? The day is almost nearly over and all I got was the same treatment that I get every single day of my life.
I guess it’s self-loathing. Maybe a pity party. Maybe I’m just a miserable person. Maybe I need to be medicated. Maybe it’s cause it’s that time of the month. Or maybe…just maybe… it’s ok for me to feel sad about today.
I know. There are kids out there without a mother. I know. There are mothers who never had a mother. I get it. There are mothers in the world who lost a child. That’s just an awful thought. I know my thinking is not productive. I know my sadness only surrounds me to where all of my thoughts turn to disappointment.
I also know that if there is any other day of the year where I deserve to have hope and be heard? It’s today. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s my fault for feeling sad about this. Maybe I’m just an old hag. One that no one cares to be around. Maybe, just maybe it’s all my fault that today sucks.
“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:13)
Oh…and did I mention that I tried to get my kids to go to church with me this morning? Yep. Denied.