I miss my life. The life I want to have be my every-day-normal-just-being-me life.
I miss wanting to be social – to be out and among vibrant, boisterous people. I’ve always been super social. My husband says, only half-jokingly, that going to the store with me is like attending a family reunion. I know everyone and love to catch up. Or rather…I did.
Parks, ball games, even the grocery store overwhelm my brain. Interactions fill my cup, but my cup is broken—cracked and leaking. I don’t know how to fix my cup. I’m trying. Medical doctors, chiropractors, functional medicine doctors, physical therapist, psychologists, therapists—oh my. I even had surgery for a problem they found while searching for the cause of this headache…stupid gallbladder.
I don’t want my life to be this way. Feeling like shit all day and all night. A relentless headache, tingly face, dizziness, muscle pain—these are the things that fill my days and nights. I struggle to multi-task anymore. Things that have always been simple and mindless for me now take so much mental focus. I shy away from parties, gatherings…my family. I’m exhausted. My eyes fill with tears and even that sucks. Crying because I can’t do what I want just makes my head hurt more. It’s a no-win situation. I’ve lost a lot of weight since Christmas—a little over 60 pounds. Many people comment and ask me what I’m doing. Sometimes I smile and say I gave up gluten, dairy, and soy. Other times I’m honest and say that this headache makes it hard to eat and that’s the reason I’ve given up gluten, dairy, and soy. I worry my kids hear people complimenting my body and think that not eating normally is the way to make a change. Add worry to the mix and I’m done for.
Most days I can hide my feelings from the world around me. My friends know what’s going on. I’m not secretive about not feeling great but who wants to be around that person who is always whining? I don’t. There are days I don’t even want to be around myself. That’s when I know I need to suck it up a bit harder and plaster a smile a bit bigger on my face. Lately I’ve decided I’m going to do all my normal stuff. I hang out with friends, go to all the events I can, seek out activities, WRITE using a COMPUTER SCREEN – and I do all of these things. Until I crash and can’t keep going. Then I hide in my room with the curtains closed, ice packs on my head and neck, and my face buried in my pillow trying to escape the pain in my head.
If this is my new normal—I will embrace it. I will make this life mine and live it the way I want to.
I just really hope this isn’t my new normal.